Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize