The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
