The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
