would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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