Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize