just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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