I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
