One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
