hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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