Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
