Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
honey bunches of taint.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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