i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
