we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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