My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
