My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
