my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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