I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
