Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
