Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
