K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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