found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
