Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
