I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
