I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
