I smell stomach acid.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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