I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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