She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize