i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I AM VODKA MAN
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
