Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
