i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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