2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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