This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize