Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize