Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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