A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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