I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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