Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
