Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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