Your face is a jimmy john
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
