The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
