Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
