I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
