I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
