she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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