He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
