You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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