Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
