dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
