So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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