Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
