I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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