Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
