my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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