soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
