I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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