Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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