totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
