I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
