You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
