my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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