You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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