is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
