dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
