My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
