If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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