I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
